05-08-2012, 09:21 AM
This is a good rewrite although I think you should keep this because even though a bit cliche, it aptly defines the tension.
"Unable to look at each other and yet
unable to let go."
------------------------------------------------
Suggested edits:
"Clutching at the memories of yesterday
like we were the air the other needed to breathe"
With my arms wrapped around your feet, (In the silence..." doesn't really convey much meaning)
I was nothing more than a child
trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear:
frayed, torn, and falling apart,
smelling of mustiness and decay
with undertones of nicotine and whiskey.
My eyes leaked starlight, glistened unseen (tense conflict leaking/kissed)
by you, I kissed the memory of your ankle,
took a shaky breath, and let go.
-------------------------------------------------
Dale
"Unable to look at each other and yet
unable to let go."
------------------------------------------------
Suggested edits:
"Clutching at the memories of yesterday
like we were the air the other needed to breathe"
With my arms wrapped around your feet, (In the silence..." doesn't really convey much meaning)
I was nothing more than a child
trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear:
frayed, torn, and falling apart,
smelling of mustiness and decay
with undertones of nicotine and whiskey.
My eyes leaked starlight, glistened unseen (tense conflict leaking/kissed)
by you, I kissed the memory of your ankle,
took a shaky breath, and let go.
-------------------------------------------------
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.