05-08-2012, 04:47 AM
Indie,
Oh yeah, I like this much better. Also much easier to offer some editing suggestions as it is just a matter of tidying up.
I think it would help to make it clear who and what it is you are talking about at the start, I'll offer this example, as it is too awkward to be a suggestion, but it is the best I can come up with at the moment. To me, this seem basically what you are trying to convey.
Memories envelop my mind
with images: the many faces of
a mother's disappointment and disapproval
that you wore in my yesterdays.
Expressions that haven’t changed;
only grown more pronounced, outlined in wrinkles.
The echo of your words still sting fresh,
like a never ending slap...
------------------------------------
Just some pruning here
that’s ever had a man manipulate his way
past the buttons on her jeans to leave a bloody mess
----------------------------------------
How proud you must feel to have confirmation
that I’m such a bleeding disappointment
with my heart pinned to my rhetorical sleeve
refusing to burn in the alcoholic dousing I’m all too happy to give it.
-----------------------------------------
To a man you don’t even love
-----------------------------------
I'd drop one of the single lines.
Sorry to be so terse, a bit rushed at the moment. Really excellent re-write though.
Dale
PS Punctuation is your friend!
Oh yeah, I like this much better. Also much easier to offer some editing suggestions as it is just a matter of tidying up.
I think it would help to make it clear who and what it is you are talking about at the start, I'll offer this example, as it is too awkward to be a suggestion, but it is the best I can come up with at the moment. To me, this seem basically what you are trying to convey.
Memories envelop my mind
with images: the many faces of
a mother's disappointment and disapproval
that you wore in my yesterdays.
Expressions that haven’t changed;
only grown more pronounced, outlined in wrinkles.
The echo of your words still sting fresh,
like a never ending slap...
------------------------------------
Just some pruning here
that’s ever had a man manipulate his way
past the buttons on her jeans to leave a bloody mess
----------------------------------------
How proud you must feel to have confirmation
that I’m such a bleeding disappointment
with my heart pinned to my rhetorical sleeve
refusing to burn in the alcoholic dousing I’m all too happy to give it.
-----------------------------------------
To a man you don’t even love
-----------------------------------
I'd drop one of the single lines.
Sorry to be so terse, a bit rushed at the moment. Really excellent re-write though.
Dale
PS Punctuation is your friend!
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.