05-07-2012, 12:03 PM
I think you've got a great piece here, Indie. As the other said, the bones of it are really good. And I outright loved quite a bit of it. (The fact that they were ankle-to-ankle rather than face-to-face, the teddy bear line)
I don't know how severely you're willing to edit this... but in my opinion it would be better if you just got rid of the middle part altogether, and simply mashed together the first and last stanza. I felt you were describing an understated but emotionally powerful scene, and breaking away into a rather trite soppy tangent squandered the power of the moment. I'd rather you focus completely on that silent aftermath scene, and let the rawness and tenderness of it hint at the magnitude of their love rather than try to force a microcosm of their romantic backstory in to the narrative. The context is clear enough without it (the title sums it up well enough). Again, just my opinion. Thanks for the read.
I don't know how severely you're willing to edit this... but in my opinion it would be better if you just got rid of the middle part altogether, and simply mashed together the first and last stanza. I felt you were describing an understated but emotionally powerful scene, and breaking away into a rather trite soppy tangent squandered the power of the moment. I'd rather you focus completely on that silent aftermath scene, and let the rawness and tenderness of it hint at the magnitude of their love rather than try to force a microcosm of their romantic backstory in to the narrative. The context is clear enough without it (the title sums it up well enough). Again, just my opinion. Thanks for the read.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?