05-06-2012, 06:08 PM
Indie,
This is a difficult poem to critique, especially in the mild critique section, as it really needs a more in depth look than this section allows.
It paints a poignant picture yet the use (intentional or not) of a more or less accentual meter through the first stanza give it the feeling of the gait of a drunken sailor which seems at odds with the content. Also, such usage creates an expectation in the reader that such a pattern will continue, when it does not (as the accents change from basically 4 to 5 from stanza 1 to 2) it causes a pause in the reading to readjust.
In addition there is some unneeded syntactical clumsiness in such lines as
"How could you not see the depth
In which I loved you?"
as well as some problematic word usage, which make sense within the context, but at the same time is disruptive to the reading as it is used in an unconventional manner, such as
"To gaze at your magnitude"
This is a nice extended metaphor, and there is the meat of a good poem here, but it hangs uneasily upon this skeleton (form).
Dale
This is a difficult poem to critique, especially in the mild critique section, as it really needs a more in depth look than this section allows.
It paints a poignant picture yet the use (intentional or not) of a more or less accentual meter through the first stanza give it the feeling of the gait of a drunken sailor which seems at odds with the content. Also, such usage creates an expectation in the reader that such a pattern will continue, when it does not (as the accents change from basically 4 to 5 from stanza 1 to 2) it causes a pause in the reading to readjust.
In addition there is some unneeded syntactical clumsiness in such lines as
"How could you not see the depth
In which I loved you?"
as well as some problematic word usage, which make sense within the context, but at the same time is disruptive to the reading as it is used in an unconventional manner, such as
"To gaze at your magnitude"
This is a nice extended metaphor, and there is the meat of a good poem here, but it hangs uneasily upon this skeleton (form).
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.