05-04-2012, 10:41 AM
honesty is always appreciated round here Indie;
a title would have helped point us in the right direction i think.
i get a sense it's a montage of mans ill treatment of his world and how he doesn't care, how he's apathetic towards all that should really matter. (all good stuff as content) sadly it needs structure. a strong entry point followed by some coherent images, insights. it's almost there but not quite. the 4th and 5th stanza seem to me the best. they don't need much of an edit, then work round them.
thanks for the read.
a title would have helped point us in the right direction i think.
i get a sense it's a montage of mans ill treatment of his world and how he doesn't care, how he's apathetic towards all that should really matter. (all good stuff as content) sadly it needs structure. a strong entry point followed by some coherent images, insights. it's almost there but not quite. the 4th and 5th stanza seem to me the best. they don't need much of an edit, then work round them.
thanks for the read.