Opening Curtains:

[Erthona]

Nice image/ metaphor.

although there were two places where I was somewhat uncertain about either who was talking, or what was being referenced. Despite that, these are mainly personal stylistic suggestions. I do think there is a case to be made for clarity in terms of setting apart the quotes. and also more clarity about who is saying what by injecting "her" to the line.

The quote was a bit difficult maybe

(I think maybe "The barking of the bitch births me" so as not to create
confusion in regards to the relationship.)
The barking bitch
births me into lancing sunlight

'lazy bastard'

her expletives broadside me.
--------------

I can appreciate the alliteration in

"piss proud prowler"

but maybe continuing the naval theme with something like

rising of the mizzen-mast
-----------------------------

Then again set apart the quote, so

revealing an early morning
rising of the mizzen-mast
still it garners ridicule
from her instead of passion.

'Dream on pencil dick'

Her ambivalence excites me
but not as much as my bladder.


Dale