Mother Dearest

[Philatone]

Hello Indie! don't think I've had the pleasure of reading your work. With regards to my thoughts, see if there is anything worth taking

Close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened…

One…

Two…

Three…

I’m still here, you’re still here and you’re looking at me...hmm, the idea doesn't feel too fresh. I think going a little shorter could work wonders while also giving you a nifty little refrain for the piece. Maybe something like just "You're looking at me"
With such disdain, no empathy in your voice....this line could potentially be dropped; it is explained as the poem evolves
When you say “It happens”

And I’m sorry to disappoint, but I didn’t have it coming
Sixteen years old, my innocence shattered ...I felt this was a strong opportunity for more. "My innocence shattered" could easily become something like "my innocence scattered across the floorboards" or something more than one word. Imagery could make this stand out and feel new
Why didn’t you tell me all those things I didn’t know?...this question did little for me

And I’m not special that it happened to me
The older I get the more common it seems to be that men
Have so much trouble keeping it in their pants

So here I am, and you’re looking at me...here, you could use that refrain again: "You're looking at me
Like the great disappointment I am, ‘cause I’ve never amounted to anything
Still running from that look, that sends chill up my spine in teenage terror ...the two stanzas above have a bit of cliche' to them (men...pants, for example)

Eleven years on and it still brings tears to my eyes ...I would drop the it and replace it with the action subject (e.g., "Eleven years on, your face still brings...). Finding a new way to show your sadness besides "tears" could refresh the idea (e.g., the memory of your face keeps the porch light off---just playing around, but a fitting image could make the stanza stand out)
The memory of your face, when you knew and offered me nothing
More than hollow words and a look of disdain for your daughter in pain

Close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened…

A smile at your lips, tense as the avoidance in your gaze ...I wanted "tense" to be compared to something I can actually imagine, like rope or something
While I’m struggling to choke down a history that won’t die
‘Cause I know your secret, and it’s fucked up that you think it’s okay

That men should have that power…

what the heart of my comments boils down to is the following: 1) there is a lot of material that could be trimmed if you desired and

2) there are plenty of opportunities to create fresh language, but I don't feel that you are taking advantage of them now. I feel like you are setting yourself up for powerful lines, but the end result left me a little frustrated.

perhaps I went too hard with the feedback, but it is because I see potential