05-03-2012, 05:18 PM
This line seems to be missing a word or two
"The older I get the common it seems to be that men"
It seems to me there are two separate theses here. One is the theme of "daughter" as disappointment, the other is a vague event of a sexual nature. I think it might work better if you were to limit yourself to one or the other, as this inter-mixture of the two makes both unclear. Plus the vagueness of the sexual event makes it difficult to understand what is being said, and how such things as "men having that kind of power" is meant to be interpreted. I'm not saying that you necessarily need to be grossly explicit, but a certain amount of context is necessary in order to make sense out of the poem, a context that is currently missing.
Dale
"The older I get the common it seems to be that men"
It seems to me there are two separate theses here. One is the theme of "daughter" as disappointment, the other is a vague event of a sexual nature. I think it might work better if you were to limit yourself to one or the other, as this inter-mixture of the two makes both unclear. Plus the vagueness of the sexual event makes it difficult to understand what is being said, and how such things as "men having that kind of power" is meant to be interpreted. I'm not saying that you necessarily need to be grossly explicit, but a certain amount of context is necessary in order to make sense out of the poem, a context that is currently missing.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.