Mother Dearest

[Indie]

Close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened…

One…

Two…

Three… i like the start of the poem, it sets the piece up, i expect something

I’m still here, you’re still here and you’re looking at me
With such disdain, no empathy in your voice this line feels redundant. feels weak the way the poem started sort of gave me this impression already
When you say “It happens” is 'when' needed?

And I’m sorry to disappoint, but I didn’t have it coming
Sixteen years old, my innocence shattered innocence shattered feels cliche
Why didn’t you tell me all those things I didn’t know?

And I’m not special that it happened to me
The older I get the common it seems to be that men
Have so much trouble keeping it in their pants cliche

So here I am, and you’re looking at me
Like the great disappointment I am, ‘cause I’ve never amounted to anything
Still running from that look, that sends chill up my spine in teenage terror

Eleven years on and it still brings tears to my eyes
The memory of your face, when you knew and offered me nothing
More than hollow words and a look of disdain for your daughter in pain

Close your eyes and we’ll pretend it never happened…

A smile at your lips, tense as the avoidance in your gaze
While I’m struggling to choke down a history that won’t die
‘Cause I know your secret, and it’s fucked up that you think it’s okay

That men should have that power…

Authors note: I'm overly aware of the repetition of "still" used in this poem. Unsure how to remedy that.

are you aware of the repeat of disdain?

the title reminds me of Sylvia Plath.
the poem doesn't. i think it needs some strong images, at least 1 per verse to lift it from being tell. the fucked up line feels out of place, if it were more gritty it would work better.

the theme is a strong one and as such needs strong images to see it through. a smallish edit is all that's needed.

thanks for the read indie,

billy

Thank you Billy, I will take this and ponder what to do. I did realise disdain was over used in such a short poem, though it seemed much less in comparison to my many stills. I'll thesaurus my ways.