05-02-2012, 02:30 PM
(05-02-2012, 06:43 AM)Todd Wrote: Someone told someone a storyIt's funny that you say "after I wrote it I thought this is probably Godzilla vs the Enola Gay" because after reading just the title and those first two lines that immediately sprang to my mind as being what you were writing about.
about the cloud that rose above the water,
(05-02-2012, 06:43 AM)Todd Wrote: the light that dimmed the sun,I understand what you mean but the physicist in me balks at that construction. Perhaps "the light that outshone the sun,"
(05-02-2012, 06:43 AM)Todd Wrote: only no one escapedTaking this out of order, I love that part.
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.
(05-02-2012, 06:43 AM)Todd Wrote: Survivors usually walk away,I don't that works so well though because it implies that this time the survivors employed a mode of transport other than walking rather than that this time nobody's ideas remained intact, which is what I believe you're trying to convey.
I can't think of any great improvement to suggest but perhaps something like "Usually some survive," or "Survivors are usual,"
(05-02-2012, 06:43 AM)Todd Wrote: The cherry blossomI think that is superfluous.
withers on the branch
echo of voices
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."

