corinth's poems

[tectak]

Hello Pig Pen People,

I love poetry that rhymes and uses a precisely controlled meter because such poetry reveals a tantalizing combination of reason, emotion, and concentration within the author's mind. I long to meet other writers who enjoy creating rhyming poems that take them hours to complete. I hope I will do so by posting some of my own poetry in this thread.

I'd appreciate any feedback you have to give. Also, if you are reading this and love to rhyme, please direct me to your poems or poetry threads so that I may return the favor by reading your works. - Cor

“Book Store Woman”

The knotted blue veins snaking under her skin 10 drop "the"
seem to want to bulge through and break out.9
A move of her pale hand, twig-like and thin,9drop pale
and the tendons–small chicken bones–sprout.9
She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face,
which is soft as a white powder puff.11
In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace,
if I didn’t know them well enough.9 try "but no need as I know them enough"

While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,[12]
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,comma after "her"
not the glances admirers once gave.
On the desk with the register pinging away
when a customer finds some old books,
from a small gilded picture frame, yellow and gray,
a photo of someone still looks.try "a face through the misted glass looks". Only a suggestion as photos don't look, but the image on them does.Watch out for yoda-speak cries!

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plumecomma after plume unless the plume is on her dress
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom) try " an old woman smiles (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.
Just as smooth as my own and with bright eyes intent,
the face laughs, though that moment is gone,maybe end this line with a semi-colon as the next line is not additive yet begins with "and"
and she’s sitting here still, looking quiet and content,
as if each day she treasures the dawn.

hi corinth, no need to say corinth's poems, just put the title in the subject heading with your name like so.
Book Store Woman by Corinth. and everyone one will know whose it is great to have you here btw.

i enjoy all kinds of poetry, rhyme and non-rhyme alike.
for me the meter is a little jumpy, i put the syllable count at the end of the first verse line ends, that said the flow of the poem feels good.
the end rhymes are nailed perfect with just 1 slant rhyme in the last line.
you use veins twice in the first verse,(reiteration) for me the 1st use of it could be changed as the 2nd use is fantastic.

some of the lines are really really good, i loved the lines below

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plume
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.

and these;
While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,[12]
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,[b]comma after "her"
not the glances admirers once gave.[/b]

lots of original lines, i get the feel the poem is being written by the old lady herself. some of the images work really well in conveying a women in her later years who still has beauty, patience, and a love of books. a single woman perhaps who still has a smile in her heart.

thanks for the read

Hi Corinth.
We should get on well. I cannot agree that taking hours to write a piece fills me with expectations of joy....but writing poetry....ESPECIALLY rhyming verse.....does make time fly.
I thoroughly enjoyed the piece. The "diddly-dah, dah-diddly dah, dah diddly diddly dah" though "jack and jill" like is very compulsive. You will be eaten by trochees and dactyls on this site if you go down to the serious crit, but that will not worry you. I ,too, dammit, like poetry that RHYMES and so I can forgive almost anything without going spoon-moon about it.
Just one caution. Be very sure that sticking rigidly (though you didn't in this piece. See billies(?) counts) to a meter does not cramp your art. Nothing worse except cockney rhyming slang!
I hope you will post much more.
Best,
tectak