God can see

[Erthona]

I think that V2 is better than the first as it is more focused and less pedantic. I think it would further help to limit the focus to something like "feigned attention" as your thesis, and then give examples of this. It would also be nice to draw the distinction that God can see what we fail to see about ourselves a little more clearly, and why that is so. That is to say, what or where is out focus/attention when it should be wholly on something such as our children (certainly a common occurrence). After showing the effect of our lack of attention in the personal/specific area, that could then be expanded to show how that then manifest in the larger world. This allows you to build a case for your larger thesis by having it grounded in the events of everyday existence. However, I would try and be more generous or charitable if you will, when assigning blame, for no one really escapes guilt free. Such a stance is less polarizing and does not force the reader into the camp of either the righteous or the sinner.

In terms of form, I would first get clear what you are saying, then go back and see what can be done with that, although personally, I would stay away from rhyming couplets as that makes it difficult to take the piece seriously.

Dale