God can see

[tectak]

(v2.0)

[b]God can see, God can see...This is a weak opening but having read the piece right through it sets the pattern. Repeated phrases in the body of a piece can be an effective way of emphasising a thematic point...but just buttressing a phrase by immediate repeat is closer to some kind of chant or mantra....when god is involved it smells of religious zealotry which is not followed through. Furthermore, though an agnostic, it is my understanding that your god was never afflicted with blindness. This is not meant to demean the statement but more to point out that stating the obvious twice is no better than once.
Every table-manner of every house?frankly, there are more important things to consider when you are god. Surely you can think of something
Then: every of your tut or smack there is no imminent shortage of colons but you should only use them when needed. Read it and count 1 for a comma, 2 for a semi-colon,3 for a colon and 4 for a full stop.
Or feigned attention.this is pure Unwin.


God can see, the casual throw of
The plate of food into the bin.


God can see your attention sway
Wholly, from Timmy's new toy
To cellphone worship of a celebrity.
Bottom reads: Made in China none of this is saying anything new, either locally or in the globally poetic sense.Having said that, what the hell is it saying? You need to concentrate on structure and make your points so acidic that they etch themselves onto the page. I am not happy with bottoms reading China though in some puerile way you are making a contemporaneous point...very badly.


God can see, your child's learnedbad use of english. "Your child has learned...." is more emphatically rhythmical and much easier to say!
Not to question parental authority so could I....it doesn't require god. I am concerned, now, that this god thing is becoming over-emphasised.....at least within your own argument. The piece needs more miracles than mundanities


On the TV, stubborn support
Behind a powerful nation's pawns:
Justifying God's word in murder.
Where: lost in trembling fingers;are you practising using punctuation? This is a serious question. I have no idea how old you are so forgive me if you are very young. See previous comments. There is just a hint of a serious point being made in this stanza but the haphazard use of comma,colon,stop,colon, semi-colon then stop in one stanza is just profligate.
A Samaritan hugs a body.


And while the Banker and the Governing-Manpoor reflective attempt at a rhyme with the next line results in an infantile force. This is a non-stanza in terms of weight. The lead up to the close is just not worth the effort. The quotation marks only make the stanza disconnect from you, the writer; almost as though you had cut the words out of a newspaper sub-header......you didn't, did you?Drop the obsessions, both with a very minor god (as described) and the damnable desire to use up all the punctuation in the world. When punctuation is correctly used it is ALWAYS less rather than more.
"Sit and watch getting a tan"-
Your voice is gone as the news-programme's scan
Settles you down: all's going to plan.
Godless: Being only what humanity can.





(end)

Well, I am happy to say that I held myself back on this one. It has problems. This is serious critique. You need to rewrite this....completely. Before you begin a rewrite FORGET this version. Start with the concept and do not let it go. If you cannot get a firm grip on your points then either there ARE no points, or you are biting off more than you can chew. From this reader's point of view, this piece leaves me chewing a whole lot less than I could bite off.
Apologies for the lack of distinction in my comments. The bold/normal emphasies are not working.
Best,
Tectak

(v1.0 Original

God can see, God can see...
Every time you go for a pee.[/b]
Every which way you tut or plea,
Reconsider respecting me
Or feign attention appropriately.


God can see, the casual throw of
The plate of food into the bin.


God can see, your mind's expression
When you reject your child's challenges
Outright, as though on cue.


God can see your attention sway
Too fast, from Timmy's new toy
To cellphone worship of a celebrity.
Bottom reads: Made in China


God can see your defiant stance
Behind a powerful nation's pawns:
Justifying God's word in battle.
Where: lost in trembling fingers;
God's word lost hugging a body
God's word lost with the protection
Granted to the loved one, now taken.


Any can see, the pain a sufferer
Contains, when seeking religious aid;
No man of God, is he who pushes away
Society's guiding hand for his own;
Those who dress, in crowns and gold crosses
Making clean-robed claims opposing
"Science is based on truth."


And while the Banker and the Governing-Man
"Sit and watch getting a tan"-
Your voice is gone as the news-programme's scan
Settles you down: all's going to plan.
Godless: Being only what humanity can.





(end)