God can see

[billy]

God can see, God can see...
Every time you go for a pee. the opening feels very puerile considering it's not a nonsense poem
Every which way you tut or plea,
Reconsider respecting me
Or feign attention appropriately. on 1st take the stanza says more than it actually does, on 2nd read it says a lot less. basically all it says is;
god sees all
respect him
it's very weak


God can see, the casual throw of
The plate of food into the bin.


God can see, your mind's expression
When you reject your child's challenges
Outright, as though on cue.too much, all thats happening to the reader is an abundance of the same thing. up the imagery and give something new


God can see your attention sway
Too fast, from Timmy's new toy
To cellphone worship of a celebrity.
Bottom reads: Made in China this is probably the best line of the poem, it shouldn't be


God can see your defiant stance
Behind a powerful nation's pawns: i struggle to see how I got to this point, it sort of just appeared without any lead up or substance. it needs some kind of progression.
Justifying God's word in battle.
Where: lost in trembling fingers;
God's word lost hugging a body
God's word lost with the protection
Granted to the loved one, now taken. the rhetoric is overbearing, give some images to the reader. make it less of a pontification


Any can see, the pain a sufferer
Contains, when seeking religious aid;
No man of God, is he who pushes away
Society's guiding hand for his own;
Those who dress, in crowns and gold crosses
Making clean-robed claims opposing
"Science is based on truth."


And while the Banker and the Governing-Man
"Sit and watch getting a tan"-
Your voice is gone as the news-programme's scan
Settles you down: all's going to plan.
Godless: Being only what humanity can.

(end)

it was very hard to get through. i wanted to move on but i think it deserves feedback. it cries out for it. i'm presuming that's what you wish as you continue to post in serious crit

at the moment it's just a collection of common words that have been placed on a soap box. they need to be rearranged, changed and improved upon. the soap box needs to go and poetic devices need to be used instead. the piece needs a lot of work. possibly 90% of it says the same two things. i wish i could be more supportive of the piece but in truth it needs a lot of work and plenty of originality.

thanks for the read