Flavours
#4
(04-17-2012, 09:26 PM)Chaotic Body Wrote:  Some people know well, Is this comma needed?
How to enjoy life.

Different flavours, Ditto.
Mind's able to pull- None of the dashes in this poem are needed.
From: keen composed room,
Blanketed in dark--

Silence shared: Should that be a semi-colon, like the one after "rule"? unspoken rule;
Some risking popcorn crunches or,
Occasional giggle, arm bending for-
Smuggled candy goods.
The best verse of this poem is the last. The "unspoken rule," "popcorn crunches" and "occasional giggle" are very atmospheric. After reading that last verse the preceding ones feel like needless prologue.
Also, the sentence construction reminds me of Wolcott Gibbs' line: "Backward ran sentences until reeled the mind." I think the poem could be vastly improved with a much simpler style. For instance:

"Some people know
how to enjoy life.

Minds are able
to grasp different flavours,
from keenly composed rooms
to blankets in darkness."

All criticism is JMHO. The last verse is very good. You capture some warmth and tenderness in it. Thanks for the read.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Messages In This Thread
Flavours - by Chaotic Body - 04-17-2012, 09:26 PM
RE: Flavours - by Philatone - 04-18-2012, 05:06 AM
RE: Flavours - by Chaotic Body - 04-18-2012, 10:53 AM
RE: Flavours - by heslopian - 04-23-2012, 10:33 AM



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