04-19-2012, 12:51 PM
the 1st verse reads like a list and i'm not sure this adds anything to what's trying to be said. even as a train of thought, the 1st verse sets me off on a major stumble. there are some good images in there though they're hard to imagine.
the 2nd stanza comes across a lot better though like the rest of the piece it feels too loose. it feels like i'm doing all the work in the reading of it and not getting the benefit from it which the author did.
i don't think it would take much to make the train of thought sections less bumpy.
the clean and in vain stanza both read better. though again i think they need to be encompassed in any edit to allow them to flow better.
thanks for the read.
the 2nd stanza comes across a lot better though like the rest of the piece it feels too loose. it feels like i'm doing all the work in the reading of it and not getting the benefit from it which the author did.
i don't think it would take much to make the train of thought sections less bumpy.
the clean and in vain stanza both read better. though again i think they need to be encompassed in any edit to allow them to flow better.
thanks for the read.