(adult themes) If I

[addy]

Functional things should be removed completely?

Oh no, not at all! Sorry, I only meant that they shouldn't merely be functional, and there should be an aesthetic component that runs through your work-- i find that poetry at its best is the union of form and substance, to the point that sometimes form is substance. Basically, "how you say it" is just as important as "what you say".

Though your subject matter is pretty complex you appear to be a beginner form-wise, and it seems you do acknowledge that. You're definitely on the right track, as billy said, accepting critique and taking it upon yourself to try and study what "works" in poetry/ literature. It's not an exact science sometimes, but you get a general idea. For instance, the I know", "I don't know""All I know" repetitions I pointed out before... if we only cared about the functionality of the words it wouldn't matter, since, as you said, your intention really is to express what you're thinking. But since poetry is an art, you have to analyze it from the perspective of form and aesthetics. The more poetry you read and the more critique you take, the more you will pick up on the subtle artfulness of the medium.

I'll comment on your edit later, I'll read and mull over it first