(adult themes) If I

[Chaotic Body]

you do have a penchant for the cerebral/philosophical/metaphysical... and in putting them in poem the idea is to make them shine as something intriguing/shocking/beautiful for the reader.

I'm struggling to get a sense of what makes a short piece of writing precisely so.. intriguing and thought-provoking, yeah. This is a new world (poetry and my kind of writing) for me!

cool ideas in your head that you are having trouble translating into something emotionally riveting for the reader, as it seems so... self-contained? A bit like navelgazing. I'd go with ray's suggestion to minimize the excessive referencing, and that should improve the relatability

I am shooting myself in the foot with this kind of writing.. but I don't think it can be so powerful (potentially) without drawing in a lot of things. Definitely though, I'm better off starting other pieces of writing and leaving this a while.

I do like how you started, as it is somewhat playful, intriguing, and has drama

I really want to do this more, I gave it a go, I'll have to make an effort to actually read some good poems !

Maybe the transition would be better without this line?

That's something I want to really get to grips with.. as well as rhythm, so that it flows and conjures the thought-provoking images.. 'eventually'

I worry that you write in a way that's too functional

Sparse and particular eh? I'll think on that
Functional things should be removed completely?

Maybe you should eliminate this line? I only say that because so far you've started your stanzas with "I know", "I don't know", then "All I know...", so best to ditch at least one of the three

That said, I found this line poignant and an effective close

I'm trying to run a theme through it about what one *can* know about life... I think. Haha, I have no idea whether that's what it needs.

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I do not agree that you can omit a functional word out of flippant desire to appear "nice"; and nor,ray, do I entirely support your defense that such pointless indulgence is ok because it is "poetic". We are trying to improve writing in these forums not by advocating laissez faire largesse but by pointing out transgressions from quality by eliminating mediocrity.
If anything goes then there go we all.
Best,
Tectak
Ps On a constructive note I am impressed by the dignity shown by "chaos" in the face of fairly searing criticism. As oft pointed out, criticism should be taken eclectically. Use the best and ignore the rest.

I'm concerned about dramatic effect and I can't always be held, ultimately, by structure of words.. the English language is a tool after all. I'm interested to know if my choice of words is still effective

But I respect that -and thought- someone would pull me up on this, what can I say? You have a good point, and you expected to make these sorts of analyses in this forum. No use me getting angry about that.

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hmm, i think tectak just pulled his own gun:

Haha, that made my day!!