(adult themes) If I

[addy]

Ps On a constructive note I am impressed by the dignity shown by "chaos" in the face of fairly searing criticism. As oft pointed out, criticism should be taken eclectically. Use the best and ignore the rest.

Seconding this. We usually try to keep the hostile barbs out of the critique forums as they serve little purpose, so thank you for your coolheadedness and maturity in this instance, chaoticbody.

Moving on to some comments -- you do have a penchant for the cerebral/philosophical/metaphysical... and in putting them in poem the idea is to make them shine as something intriguing/shocking/beautiful for the reader. I do feel that you have all these cool ideas in your head that you are having trouble translating into something emotionally riveting for the reader, as it seems so... self-contained? A bit like navelgazing. I'd go with ray's suggestion to minimize the excessive referencing, and that should improve the relatability

v2.0 added 'lit' line 4, mistyped

If I put a gun to my head and pull
This room stays here, lit and playing music, no? I do like how you started, as it is somewhat playful, intriguing, and has drama
This, remove comma miserable pile of detail
A seclusion lit for people to drive past I get what you're saying, but wonder if this is the best way to say what you mean? For instance, the choice of "drive past" invokes the thought of cars without much reason, when all you mean is to speed by (At least that's how I understand it)

No, it doesn't exist so without observer
Alien landscape, whites and reds, who knows?
Depends on the comparison, e.g. heat vision. This line took me out of the poem quite a bit. Maybe the transition would be better without this line?

I know anyway, If I pour my heart out
I want all of these objects, to control them
To play mother, father, sibling and child
Beauty killed, eventually I worry that you write in a way that's too functional (L2, especially, suffers from being just a dry explanation of exactly what you're thinking); there is poetry in the idea, but you have to translate that to how you write it out. Also words like "anyway" and "eventually" usually come off as lazy or filler when found in poetry, often such a sparse and particular medium

"I don't know why, but I feel"
Problem of this century isn't it?

All I know: Maybe you should eliminate this line? I only say that because so far you've started your stanzas with "I know", "I don't know", then "All I know...", so best to ditch at least one of the three
The next century will go on, small universes inter-operating I feel there is a profundity here, but choosing a word like "inter-operating" lets it down
"I've lived too long." Don't think this needs to be in quotes? That said, I found this line poignant and an effective close

Thanks for the read. Hope the comments help somewhat