04-14-2012, 04:19 PM
hey jack
I found the second stanza stronger than the first (the "gore my heart" and "hollow grays" were too much for me). Without more details given about what happened to the speaker, I don't have anything to base a connection to the speaker on. I think combining the stanzas and removing the "I think...hollow grays" makes the poem more interesting--what about this experience causes so much rage? Perhaps even another line added in to offer another clue could be useful. Or stanza--I don't think this needs to be short unless you want it to
sorry for proposing dramatic touches; if I went overboard, be sure to call me out. It's just I certainly liked the other lines (enjoyed S.2 a lot)
I found the second stanza stronger than the first (the "gore my heart" and "hollow grays" were too much for me). Without more details given about what happened to the speaker, I don't have anything to base a connection to the speaker on. I think combining the stanzas and removing the "I think...hollow grays" makes the poem more interesting--what about this experience causes so much rage? Perhaps even another line added in to offer another clue could be useful. Or stanza--I don't think this needs to be short unless you want it to
sorry for proposing dramatic touches; if I went overboard, be sure to call me out. It's just I certainly liked the other lines (enjoyed S.2 a lot)
Written only for you to consider.