corinth's poems

[Philatone]

hello corinth!
some thoughts to share

Hello Pig Pen People,

I love poetry that rhymes and uses a precisely controlled meter because such poetry reveals a tantalizing combination of reason, emotion, and concentration within the author's mind. I long to meet other writers who enjoy creating rhyming poems that take them hours to complete. I hope I will do so by posting some of my own poetry in this thread.

I'd appreciate any feedback you have to give. Also, if you are reading this and love to rhyme, please direct me to your poems or poetry threads so that I may return the favor by reading your works. - Cor

“Book Store Woman”

The knotted blue veins snaking under her skin...the "knotted" and "snaking" felt contradictory, but worked to make the image more grotesque
seem to want to bulge through and break out. ..."seem to want" feels weak; I would prefer something that either "happens" or "doesn't"
A move of her pale hand, twig-like and thin,
and the tendons–small chicken bones–sprout.
She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face,
which is soft as a white powder puff.
In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace, ...lots of "blue" and "veins" so far.
if I didn’t know them well enough.

...to this point, there is heavy description but little action. it can risk alienating the reader to a degree when done excessively

While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,...I'm curious about what those "treasures" may be
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,
not the glances admirers once gave....nice play
On the desk with the register pinging away
when a customer finds some old books,
from a small gilded picture frame, yellow and gray,
a photo of someone still looks....like the line. These last four lines of the stanza are missing a main verb in the main clause

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plume
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.
Just as smooth as my own and with bright eyes intent,
the face laughs, though that moment is gone,
and she’s sitting here still, looking quiet and content,
as if each day she treasures the dawn. ...again, already saw "treasures;" I think another word can strengthen the piece unless you really want to compare how the two uses are different

as I said earlier, I see pleasant and nicely written, but heavy, description, which can be fine, but can this description occur during some kind of context or situation? otherwise, it became a bit difficult for me to attach myself to