apology

[jmnical]

reading a book as I eat breakfast
he walks by and reaches to stroke my hair
and I recoil—
his eyes harden.

mom says ‘you’re too sensitive
and you know he can’t help it
so you should say sorry
because he’s not going to
and really you’re very lucky’

but for years the decibel of his rage
struck like a hand;
the sting of words reverberating longer
than the time he actually spanked me

so I say sorry because I know how much he loves me
from the sleepless weeks he spent
in a lumpy armchair beside my hospital bed,
since he still calls me ‘pumpkin,’ and
chokes up when he tells me how proud he is