(04-13-2012, 05:09 AM)Chaotic Body Wrote: Head rattles inhumanly, manically, eyes on the targetmainly, it;s the enjambment that is allowing the piece to be called prose poetry but is that enough, while the content is clear, i'd like to see some use of simile, metaphor, assonance, consonance, etc.
A gleeful shriek is let out half-accidentally
He rubs his hands together frantically
It's almost time
The target is a man his early 40s
Aggravated, thrusts down a cell phone onto the high-rise office floor
Turns to the window in a ritual like fashion as he sighs
A long last breath, ended by the sniper
A thousand roars of appreciation in the streets
A great reshuffling of power
Men with knowledge of law line up to patch things up
History repeats itself, the world rolling one turn
But none of those deaths in the street, in the ghettoes
None are as sweet as the all-too-ready betrayal of such important men
Death dips his long teeth into his new meat, scrapes the sweetness out
Mankind has been fooled again.
(end)
I want to know what this means! But I am trying to be pretty clear
some man of power (common theme) is thrust into depreciation (e.g. Kony)
rioting and prejudice and killing, (common theme)
Death is personified, first you may think the sniper refers to the first verse but that's not so
Death getting his fix, working hard to create such a perfect composition or result that in human terms would be 'beautiful', is what I am playing with
All criticism welcomed & appreciated
ast present if feels like i'm being told a story
i'm not trying to re write the poem and it's just a rush thing anyway to try and show what i mean;
A thousand roars of appreciation in the streets
A great reshuffling of power
Men with knowledge of law line up to patch things up
History repeats itself, the world rolling one turn
A thousand rolling roars, the street rumbles
power re birthed
lawmakers lay with lambs
History's phoenix, slaughtered again.
just an idea to get the juices flowing.
titles are always good
billy