Finding flowers with Honey bees

[Bronte]

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Again, I agree with everything you say.....but if there is no such thing as bad poetry then ipso facto there is no such thing as good poetry. So why post it up.for "serious" criticism?
Best,
Tectak


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Why not! it is something I rarely ask for, I think this piece is worth the more critical eye. As for good and bad poetry! well maybe you are right. But I know within three lines if I want to read a poem, and I know a masterful mind at work when I can read the whole draft and not see any glaring errors sticking out ( because I’m involved with the poem) . It is only when scrutinizing the work word by word, line by line that they show up for this reader. But, saying that, I can also accept the errors because of the content.
Language after all is ever evolving . we should never bind the muse.
Did I say it above? That I’m doing NoPoWritnoMo 3030 April poem a day?
This is number nine I wish it was being done here, I love April. It makes me explode with ideas reading and seeing others all involved as well -- so many posts!! . There are thousands doing it. maybe we can have a Winter rite . June maybe? she has 30 days . it would be good if the pigs can fly winter and summer -- maybe I will do it alone. I’m PO’d that we are restricted to one a day. why stop when in the flow I say.. bad enough when we have months not even interested in trying..yes. I’m rambling and the work day has began must do some real work and come back~~~ J

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Hi Bronte,

Well, I'll give you some comments to think about and use as you see fit.

First off, I like the title. It helps me step into the poem properly.

Nine 9.45 am 9th april 12




Best keep a low profile; Be incandescent under the sun--The second phrase is beautiful writing. I like the idea of the sun infusing an object with light. Low profile seems a tad cliche though and a bit weak for an opening line. Obviously, just an opinion but I feel that a minor tweak would probably bring this out more
I feel you pray the way we speak of them too far distant--perhaps it's just the topic but this narrative phrasing reminds me of Louise Gluck's work in The Wild Iris (mostly with the title poem and also The Red Poppy).
all the way to the end of time we own customs of obeisant.--on these last two lines I could suggest cuts but I'm not inclined to because the style is more lush than the minimalist style I tend to prefer. I think the pacing sort of fits with the title and the feeling of honey bees in search of flowers. We already have the sun burning. There should be a slow sense a heat-haze. The lines tend to get me there. "we own customs of obeisant" seems a bit awkward in its phrasing. I keep wanting this to be obeisance
I feel you pray of finding lexis , there is a texture in the air--Here is a repetition that is interesting "I feel you pray". How would that be done? I can understand I hear you pray, or I see the posture of praying. I feel you pray comes across like prayer is a force that has some resonance to it. Interesting. That's what I'm leaning at given the texture phrasing that comes next. In the earlier first instance though the context seems to be better rendered "I hear you pray the way we speak..."
of collective; of sweet cast in runes . Ever even--would this of collective be better phrased by simply pulling collective up a line to make it a collective texture and maybe eliminate the of after the semicolon. Just a thought
between the stars we are joined at the hip, the wing, the hub--I like the addition of between the stars building on the idea of the runes earlier. It has a primitive divination sense to it all. I'm not a fan of the cliched joined at the hip. I think you could just go right to joined at the wing and build from there without losing anything
the eye is always last to find consciousness. There is a bug--great line
a million miles away tuning in to our divinity, expressing doubt
that we might be worthy, of you, of them. If we pray
to everything, probe all sensibilities , ours, theirs , yours,--It could just be me but you could cut ours, theirs, yours
will that be enough to keep joined essences in our rented lives .--maybe substitute these for our

There is merit in forgiveness , this is understood--Option: This is a declaritive maxim It would probably benefit from being more tight perhaps: There is an understood merit in forgiveness
But most keep their outer strands bound too tight
Where not even a honey Bees sting can penetrate!--I think the capital Bees is distracting.
Their nerve endings too shrunk , cataracts fully formed--Is fully formed necessary?
destroying pupils, the last focal points and last witness--I like the ideas here. It's an interesting thought
to events. Their teacher too immature to grasp
the smallest bug might for ever, own all wisdom.--forever one word perhaps




The wild meadow made for obsessive, night after night the lady bugMade feels like the wrong word to suggest wildness. There's got to be a better verb choice for you. Ladybug should be one word
flew in the window and walked over the pillow in ever smaller concentric circles .--minor typo period has an extra space. Love the ever smaller concentric circles.
I felt drawn to walk behind her, mentally we linked in the way of nature, of true life.--This phrasing feels a bit flat to me compared to some other lines you've written in the poem
Of living a dream of a dream within a dream while we too were wide awake.--Is there a better way to get to this idea. I feel like it's been expressed before in a similar way. You've got so many good original things going on here it's a bit of a letdown to read these thoughts
and we meandered a meadow, her domain among flowers the height of trees.--I love where you're taking this
I Read poppy thoughts, grasses, existence in every living flower, every sound--I think you start well here and then don't carry it on to its promise...poppy thoughts is wonderful, grasses is fine, but when you summarize with the next statements you lose urgency. I think you would be better served stringing three or four things like poppy thoughts and letting them stand.
of nature at her finest.--This type of summary falls flat. I'd consider cutting the line
It was snowing pollens incandescent and alive .--One two many spaces after the period again. Not a major thing just something to notice. I love the image and the line. My only concern is this is your second use of incandescent and it may serve to weaken both uses in the poem. You may be better off with another substitute in one of the lines. It is lovely though
I felt impregnated again, the same instant a flower knows that she has been
saturated body and soul with life while her mate extends,
Oh, flowers, she owns all that can’t be taken, can never be understood
unless you too have joined completely with a new life.

Natures musts, wins--I liked the poem but I felt a lttle let down by these last few lines. Maybe it was the absolute language the never be understood part. I don't know. I just know that I want the revelation to hit me harder. The conclusion feels like it trails off without actually closing.

So, a lot there. I don't know how useful any of that will be to you. I hope some of it is helpful though.

Best,

Todd

todd In summary

L1 you are right the opening was set up to open the idea .. CUT
L2 not sure i have read it, or i can’t remember it
I will mull over the usage of the definition , to me your choice of obeisance feels singular. Where is Roy Hobbs when I need him?

To feel someone pray is to be one with them , like twins and life partners. You get cut and I feel the pain . it is a knowing that comes from empathy. few posses it

you are right in the end piece I can do better. Place holder will be reworked to heighten the idea I hope

Clichéd I have no problems with the use of anything clichéd . they are a tool that can be utilised if done well. I was set a challenge years ago for the use of as many clichés as could be squeezed into a poem without too much vomit occurring.. it was fun .

And no because it is three, a divinity of ours here, yours earth nature at work
and theirs , everything else way out there and beyond.

If I use” those” I see that as setting us apart from everything. It is mans way to set ourselves apart. My ain here is to unite

and yes My thought exactly on the 2nd use of incandescent on my first read thought after. But I allowed it to wait there as a reference to the beginning. I will keep looking --


I wonder if any man. Or any childless women can ever understand that moment in time when a mother knows that life in that second exploded within her body.
Already we can hear the voice, already deep down we know if it’s a son, or a daughter. We are one, it is the big bang that created the universe in which we float. We the women are the host, the creator of life!
But we grow slowly maybe too slow for our own good . Natures musts, will always win


and yes this has been helpful and I will fix edit and proof read and try not to double space before the colon .
thank you ~~ Joan




grr why is this post sticking on the post below!! thank goodness for cut and paste