~Fallen~
#5
to explain my reasoning a bit, and extend on V's comment

Quote:Her half moon smile
tainted by nicotine clouds..."tainted" here describes "smile", making it a past participle
as they fought to escape ...this is a dependent clause, even though there is a verb. it is the main clause that needs a verb though, and there are plenty of subjects to use
the confines of an inhale,...here, "inhale" is a noun. if there is an "a," "an," or "the," before it , sure is a clue. or a preposition like "of". "Confines of what? Oh, confines of an inhale!"
and me the rabbit in headlights glare,
tongue tied to this table, ..again, "tied" works as a past participle, not actually working as a verb
nursing a misplaced conception. "nursing" here is a present participle, describing either "tongue" or "me"--now that I take a closer look, it might be a little vague.

not everyone uses complete sentenceswhen writing, but it is something I personally like and it seems like the rest of the poem was going for as well. I'm seeing a lot of participles--verb forms, but not quite verbs.
if you wanted to have a verb, just adding a "was" before "tainted" could work (not saying that it's the most elegant option, just an idea to show what's needed). the way a lot of the phrases are here, using a passive voice would be the easiest choice (e.g., the ball was thrown).

even breaking the stanza down into two sentences could work; gives the reader a bit of a break after a number of things to pay attention to.


regarding the "spine-rib"
I like "rib" more than "ribcage" in terms of aesthetics and sounds for the piece. or even:

"though her heart had escaped
the cage of her ribs;"

but that is really a personal preference.
again, I hope this finds you well and can be helpful
Written only for you to consider.
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Messages In This Thread
~Fallen~ - by Fug-azi - 04-04-2012, 12:22 AM
RE: ~Fallen~ - by Philatone - 04-04-2012, 01:07 AM
RE: ~Fallen~ - by Fug-azi - 04-04-2012, 05:02 AM
RE: ~Fallen~ - by Veronique - 04-04-2012, 05:57 AM
RE: ~Fallen~ - by Philatone - 04-04-2012, 07:06 AM
RE: ~Fallen~ - by abu nuwas - 04-04-2012, 08:32 AM
RE: ~Fallen~ - by billy - 04-04-2012, 03:04 PM
RE: ~Fallen~ - by Todd - 04-06-2012, 03:54 AM
RE: ~Fallen~ - by Leanne - 04-06-2012, 07:58 AM
RE: ~Fallen~ - by tectak - 04-09-2012, 09:04 PM



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