All that we have ( is all that we have left)edit .001 erthona,roy

[tectak]

Tectak 2006
***
Suggestions are just that ...

I would turn this to the paratactic and the
paratactic only. Your choice for asyndeton
or polysyndeton or mixed-- but paratactic.

Most of it is paratactic, but turn it all to.
**
I once met a man who said {{that}} he knew me,
he knew we had shared things long years long ago.
He said he was certain {{that}} we had been comrades
and {{that}} we had such secrets no others should know.
**
I once met a man who said he knew me,
and he knew of things shared long ago.
He said he was certain we had been comrades,
and held such secrets no others should know.
**
Every predication in this poem ought stand
on the same level as every other without the
'slightest hint of causal connection.' The clas-
sic definition of parataxis has it, " .. with-
out the slightest hint of 'clausal' connection."

But in prose-poetry we must have clausal connec-
tion to satisfy the narrative.

Delighted,
rh

You are more right than wrong. The "reportage" in this one served me well and was initially quite deliberate........hence the remoteness of the first person. I was trying to avoid making obvious that this was by way of a soliloquy; a man talking to a stranger in a mirror.
So I take your point. The piece has matured ( or I have) and can now happily accept that parataxis rules OK.
I will adjust accordingly. Edit will follow.
Many thanks. I do not normally roll over this easily but am a sucker for reason
Best.
Tectak

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Your a bad boy Tom,

I like the title. The poem I like less. The title has more substance than the poem. The poem seems an explanation of an apothegm which really needs no explanation.

In terms of the poem, I see no reason to put four foot lines of accentual verse side by side and pretend they are eight foot lines, especially to the point of ending a sentence in the middle of the line. I've been tolerate in some cases of your long lines but this is pure affectation and puts an undue burden on the reader.

I once met a man who said he knew me,
he knew we'd shared things long years long ago.
He said he was certain we'd been comrades
and we had such secrets no others should know.

Why do you try my patience?

Dale

---

Your a bad boy Tom,

I like the title. The poem I like less. The title has more substance than the poem. The poem seems an explanation of an apothegm which really needs no explanation.

In terms of the poem, I see no reason to put four foot lines of accentual verse side by side and pretend they are eight foot lines, especially to the point of ending a sentence in the middle of the line. I've been tolerate in some cases of your long lines but this is pure affectation and puts an undue burden on the reader.

I once met a man who said he knew me,
he knew we'd shared things long years long ago.
He said he was certain we'd been comrades
and we had such secrets no others should know.

Why do you try my patience?

Dale

I think long thoughts.........and anyway, the bloody reader ought to be burdened It is tough enough writing stuff which my dog likes without trying to please the sentient critics.......oh, all right.
I will change it but one day.....when you are least expecting it....I will get my recompense (sic).
Best,
Tom