03-21-2012, 08:12 AM
Hello Roy, and welcome!
Obviously, the last few lines of this are the crux and most entertaining, though you do well to set the mood. I do feel the first part of the poem is a little over-modified, understanding of course that one needs to remain true to Wilde's hyperbolic tendencies
-- still, I don't think you need "full" in the first line, as this is (to me at least) implied by "sedulous" (one wouldn't be sedulous by halves!). I wonder if just "Dorian" instead of "Dorian Gray" would do for L2? Also, "with a doily at his nose" seems a little pedestrian -- perhaps "doily patting at his nose" or something to that effect?
Thanks for the read, and thanks for choosing Dorian!
Obviously, the last few lines of this are the crux and most entertaining, though you do well to set the mood. I do feel the first part of the poem is a little over-modified, understanding of course that one needs to remain true to Wilde's hyperbolic tendencies
-- still, I don't think you need "full" in the first line, as this is (to me at least) implied by "sedulous" (one wouldn't be sedulous by halves!). I wonder if just "Dorian" instead of "Dorian Gray" would do for L2? Also, "with a doily at his nose" seems a little pedestrian -- perhaps "doily patting at his nose" or something to that effect? Thanks for the read, and thanks for choosing Dorian!
It could be worse