03-20-2012, 03:54 PM
at this length, the couplets rhyming becomes unremitting. no chance
to breath. that can be a useful effect, but i don't think it works for
this piece. i think you should try taking out the rhyme altogether
and just work on the flow of the content. after that you could put
some back in, but use either a varied scheme or a reasonably
sparse one.
all this useless beauty... but what the hell, why not?