Dresden

[Philatone]

hello rob. quick thoughts for a quick and tidy-looking poem

Dresden


When the flowers bloom in Dresden
and the smoke clears in Iraq
when the snow melts in Korea ...this is probably a personal preference, but after the difference between "flowers" and "smoke" in the first two lines, "smoke" and "snow" just sounded too similar for me
and the ferryman shows the way
perhaps the stars will shine again,
and the sun, come out to play

I like the idea of the piece. an idea I had while reading would be more to compare the man-made with nature. part of it was already captured in the Iraq line. Rather than looking at flowers blooming and snow melting, looking at a more human (and also refreshing in a sense) aspects of these place may make the transition to "stars" and "sun" a little more dramatic. again, only an idea.

as is, it was pleasant to read, but I felt as though it lacks that lasting quality that will make it really memorable--though I don't think it has to be that way.