03-17-2012, 07:58 PM
Hi Geoff, sorry to come in so late but I'm pleased to see that this poem is evolving nicely. I do miss the marigolds from the very first version though -- not the judging of them, just the flower image in contrast to the portraits. What about something like "there is a marigold in front of the painter"?
The one thing that really distracts me is "I think" in S3. This seems weak. We know "I/you think", because it's the speaker's perspective. I don't feel that anything is lost by removing those words.
Any reason why canvass has two esses?
Unless you're taking a poll... which actually kind of works...
I get the feeling this is the first time the speaker has met the woman he will marry -- in other words, set eyes on her and decided "that's the one for me" -- but I can always be wrong, of course! Regardless, I've enjoyed it, thanks for letting me play (like you had a choice!)
The one thing that really distracts me is "I think" in S3. This seems weak. We know "I/you think", because it's the speaker's perspective. I don't feel that anything is lost by removing those words.
Any reason why canvass has two esses?
Unless you're taking a poll... which actually kind of works...I get the feeling this is the first time the speaker has met the woman he will marry -- in other words, set eyes on her and decided "that's the one for me" -- but I can always be wrong, of course! Regardless, I've enjoyed it, thanks for letting me play (like you had a choice!)
It could be worse