03-17-2012, 03:46 PM
I like the voice yet it needs to be tempered, rework the oft used phrases and write back in the poetic. Example:
or you can ignore my tampering . But as I said I like this strong voice. It is compelling, I just want it more so.
This winter fetched in piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hardened
flint unyielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
inch on inch and glint on glint, from water freed from forces fused
fine jewels once seized as snow. These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render them this winter morn. This winter chills
the mid-days by-breeze until air scintillates; and from the high
bedecked boughs encrusted white, falls hard iced -disintegrate.
I puke when I read the word “shards” in poetry!
keep working on it
or you can ignore my tampering . But as I said I like this strong voice. It is compelling, I just want it more so.
This winter fetched in piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hardened
flint unyielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
inch on inch and glint on glint, from water freed from forces fused
fine jewels once seized as snow. These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render them this winter morn. This winter chills
the mid-days by-breeze until air scintillates; and from the high
bedecked boughs encrusted white, falls hard iced -disintegrate.
I puke when I read the word “shards” in poetry!
keep working on it
Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte