Hercynian

[Philatone]

dale

Hercynian* Silva from far above, I see
the mountainous terrain of Germany...went back and forth on "mountainous", then decided I liked it. I think it's a word that reinforces its own meaning
and I imagine you were, as before
from those mountains you were shorn. ...still debating on "mountains," I think it works, though it is decidedly close to "mountainous"
When Rome could only stand at your feet...the "only" struck me as a bit excess; I see its purpose for meter, but little else
pretending you it did defeat,..understand the reason for it, but here the rhyme really dictates the line
and there is nothing that I hold so dear...personally, I wanted to know reasons why this was held so dear? why this connection for the speaker?
as knowing you taught Rome to fear....I wanted this to have an object for "to fear" and maybe a couplet to elaborate/ could give a slightly stronger transition to the "yet"
Yet time it seems can defeat all foes,
just as it heals all ills and woes.....hmm
I regret I’ll never walk again, ...not sure if the comma is needed
through Black Forested, wood dense land. ...felt a bit redundant with "Black Forested" and "wood dense," but again, could just be me
Nor e’er again be battered by the Rhine,
where I left my flesh behind.
My heart there also was meant to be,
so my spirit could fly free. ...ending strikes me as OK, but I wanted something a little fresher

©2012 ~Erthona



* Pronounced like Hey-sin-ee-ah: A primeval forest, the remains of which is the Black Forest.

The form: This is written in accentual verse with alternating lines of five and four feet ending in rhyming couplets.

I'm close to liking the piece, yet I felt as though I was lacking something at the end. Details I was curious of received little attention. Some ideas struck me as rehashed. I like the tribute to the past, I really want to like the piece more