03-15-2012, 08:45 AM
V. 4
edits: marigolds return to S. 1
dropped the "I think" from S. 3
moved up "separates" in S.3
added stanza "or a thought...watched"
changed "bite" to "bit"
at the artisan's
In front of the painter
who lunches at a workbench
brushed with blue marigolds
the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits,
their eyes vacant as seashells.
A wall between us
and the artist separates
those who browse
from those who buy,
as we sample from the oiled orchard
a bit of every apple
every canvas of gold
and ruby flesh
without a basket
to weigh and carry home
or a thought
we might be watched.
The clatter of a fork suggests
we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.
---------------------------------------------------
V. 3
edits: removed first line
changed first "artist" to "painter"
deleted "saves her..guilt"
added "clatter of a fork"
changed "she" to "we" in S.4
at the artisan's
In front of the painter
who lunches at a workbench
the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits,
their eyes vacant as seashells.
I think the wall between us
and the artist
separates those who browse
from those who buy,
as we sample from the oiled orchard
a bite of every apple
every canvass of gold
and ruby flesh
without a basket
to weigh and carry home.
The clatter of a fork suggests
we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.
-------------------------
V. 2
played with line breaks
removed "another room"
removed "with", added "their" to line 3, S. 2
at the artisan's
Judging a painting of a marigold
in front of the artist
who lunches at a workbench
the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits,
their eyes vacant as seashells.
I think the wall between us
and the artist
saves her from the guilt that separates
those who browse
from those who buy,
as she samples from the oiled orchard
a bite of every apple
every canvass of gold
and ruby flesh
without a basket
to weigh and carry home,
because we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.
Original
Judging a painting of a marigold
in front of the artist
who lunches at a workbench
the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits with eyes
as vacant as seashells
I think the wall.
between us
and the artist
saves her from the guilt that separates
those who browse
from those who buy,
as she samples from the oiled orchard
a bite of every apple
every canvass of gold
and ruby flesh
without a basket
to weigh and carry home,
because we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.
edits: marigolds return to S. 1
dropped the "I think" from S. 3
moved up "separates" in S.3
added stanza "or a thought...watched"
changed "bite" to "bit"
at the artisan's
In front of the painter
who lunches at a workbench
brushed with blue marigolds
the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits,
their eyes vacant as seashells.
A wall between us
and the artist separates
those who browse
from those who buy,
as we sample from the oiled orchard
a bit of every apple
every canvas of gold
and ruby flesh
without a basket
to weigh and carry home
or a thought
we might be watched.
The clatter of a fork suggests
we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.
---------------------------------------------------
V. 3
edits: removed first line
changed first "artist" to "painter"
deleted "saves her..guilt"
added "clatter of a fork"
changed "she" to "we" in S.4
at the artisan's
In front of the painter
who lunches at a workbench
the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits,
their eyes vacant as seashells.
I think the wall between us
and the artist
separates those who browse
from those who buy,
as we sample from the oiled orchard
a bite of every apple
every canvass of gold
and ruby flesh
without a basket
to weigh and carry home.
The clatter of a fork suggests
we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.
-------------------------
V. 2
played with line breaks
removed "another room"
removed "with", added "their" to line 3, S. 2
at the artisan's
Judging a painting of a marigold
in front of the artist
who lunches at a workbench
the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits,
their eyes vacant as seashells.
I think the wall between us
and the artist
saves her from the guilt that separates
those who browse
from those who buy,
as she samples from the oiled orchard
a bite of every apple
every canvass of gold
and ruby flesh
without a basket
to weigh and carry home,
because we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.
Original
Judging a painting of a marigold
in front of the artist
who lunches at a workbench
the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits with eyes
as vacant as seashells
I think the wall.
between us
and the artist
saves her from the guilt that separates
those who browse
from those who buy,
as she samples from the oiled orchard
a bite of every apple
every canvass of gold
and ruby flesh
without a basket
to weigh and carry home,
because we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.
Written only for you to consider.