This Winter (edit 1)

[Philatone]

hello tec
wanted to have a go at this one

This winter sent the piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hard as flint.
Not yielding to the sword of light, they daily grow...tense shifts
by inch on inch and glint on glint,
from water freed from fused, fine jewels once held as snow.
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down, ...need the comma?
this winter morn.

This winter chills the mid-day breeze until air scintillates; ..."air scintillates" I had a hard time imagining, especially in winter. maybe blame my imagination?
and from the high and bedecked boughs, encrusted white,
falls shards as ice disintegrates. ...should this be "fall" or are you using it as a transitive verb?
A glimpse, a flash, of low-noon sun through grey cloud, edged with light
though fleeting and yet promising
no comfort nor warm rapture brings,
this winter noon.


This winter strides bare fallow fields, in dark and cold they lay....considered switching the comma to a semi-colon and adding a comma after "bare"
A breath, a sigh of falling air, moves not one blade,
nor leaf, nor twig, this dying day .
Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade,
as blood will blacken, in to night....the last three words, separated, interested me
Strong men will hunch against the bite, ...think the comma could be done away with. I like the line. that said, the lines before just strike me as being soo static
this winter eve.

This winter closed out stars above with deep and unseen cloud;
whilst down below the clamping cold held tight the land.
Then stirrred the breeze, but with no sound,
new fell the snow to layer deep, to cover and
make pure the ground in wait of spring,
that only hope alone can bring,
this winter night.

Tom Kirby Jan 2009

I think the poem could be condensed. perhaps that would sacrifice some imagery, but in a poem where there is nothing but, I don't think that is a bad thing. perhaps if the emphasis is on the different stages, it could be a series of pieces? perhaps the poem feels too constrained in its topic. it offers details which didn't offer me much meaning besides looking nice