This Winter (edit 1)

[tectak]

Is this your poem or Tom Kirby's? Well here are some comments on the first stanza. I won't go beyond that until I know this is your poem.

This Winter sent piercing spikes—glass-brittle, hard as flint—(where?) Because "piercing spikes" is not a common description like "snow", it begs the question of "where"? Like in the sentence, "Billy sent roller skates." One wants it to tell "to who" or "where". Because it leaves one hanging, it is moderately disruptive to the reading. That it is the first line, it sets that as an overall tone for the poem. Additionally, if you are going anthropomorphize "Winter", then you need to drop the article. After all you would not say "This Billy sent..."
Above I used the em dash to parenthetically present (glass-brittle, hard as flint), allowing for a conclusion to the sentence. If you want the sentence to stay open ended, then a colon would suffice as in:

"Winter sent piercing spikes: glass-brittle, hard as flint.

However with the em dash you can include the sentence fragment that follows. Thus:

"Winter sent piercing spikes—glass-brittle, hard as flint—
not yielding to the sword of light they grow
inch on inch, glint by glint: of water freed
from fused fine jewels, once held in snow."

As the last part is in present tense, I would recommend you use present tense with everything. So:

"Winter sends piercing spikes—glass-brittle, hard as flint—
not yielding to the sword of light they grow
inch on inch, glint by glint: of water freed
from fused fine jewels, once held in snow.
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down,
this Winter's morning."

This is an interesting idea, although for me it is less than ideally developed. It is somewhat lacking in metaphorical and descriptive originality, and has to many grammatical, punctuation, and agreement problems. It tries to cover over these problems with "high-flown" language, which is somewhat imitative of the later romantic period of English poetry: sacrificing substance for appearance.


Dale

Is that erthona? Yes, it is I. My cover was blown some time ago!
I am bear- trapping again. There is a very minor kerfuffle over "twinkling" on the boards. I suggested "scintillating" as it is used in this winter ditty of mine from last year. You seem intent on buggering up my finely crafted ryhme scheme in this one.....and you do go on about it so. I shall take a measured look at it, I already know it is a naive little poem, but it has three legs so cannot wobble.
1 It was true when written so does not include fantasy or romance. Factuality wins every time.
2 it has the benefit, dubious not, of having been wrote (romantic period? Get out of here!) in situ, whilst the boy stood on the burning deck, so to speak
3 My wife likes it.
......and so does our milkman, so there.
Much of your critique will be wasted on me for the time being on this one, but not permanently. I will give myself a discrete period before taking up your offered suggestions in order to claim them as my own.There are more to be moved over from that other place which you have already mauled and I am checking you out for consistency!
Best,
Tectak
NB not "This Winter sent piercing spikes.." but "This Winter sent THE piercing spikes......."
No idea why I have capitalised winter except for the weakly implicit anthropomorphic traits like "sent", "chills" and "strides". I take your point unreservedly on this. It does not justify the capitalisation. Watch this space.
Thanks as always,