Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under

[Leanne]

Hello Madi, and welcome . I already like your attitude, it's a great one for a poet (or anyone else for that matter).

Your poem does suffer from cliches, but that's already been covered and you've had many great suggestions so I'm just going to touch on a few general points and see if they make things a bit easier for you.

Seven feet under I lie -- in free verse, since you don't have rhyme and meter to give your poem structure, sound often becomes very important. Consider the difference it would make to the sound of the poem if you had "seven feet beneath". Also, the usual tendency for readers would be to say "beneath what?", which forces them to read on and gives you a more solid hook.
Covered in fears and dirt. -- I like the simplicity of this, and I do actually like the bookend effect with the last lines of the poem, it makes it very cyclical.

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark,
That we learned the hard way.
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies. -- this stanza becomes very repetitive, all the more so because the images are not very solid

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die.
Some even give in to their bullets. -- to build your rhythm, you could consider instead:

Men scream and cry,
bleed and die,
giving in to bullets


My eyes venture across the empty battlefield, -- you don't need to say "battle-field", it detracts from the rhythms and we already know it's a battle, you might try instead:
my eyes venture wide
across the empty field

Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane. -- though "baby blue eyes" is a cliche, you can also use it as a popular culture reference but you'd really have to change it to "those baby blues keeping me sane"

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams,
Halting time for just awhile.
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion.
The men have just begun to fight,
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds,
Soon becoming the only thing I hear. -- this stanza is almost all "tell" and no "show" -- think about how you can hint at these things without actually coming right out and saying "this happened then this happened and this is how I felt" (you get the idea, I'm sure!)

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield -- the perfect chance for some repetition, I'd suggest using this line like a refrain which enhances that cyclical thing I mentioned earlier
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds. -- this line is very long and awkward, as well as all "tell" -- "appears to be" is wasting words, just say it is and we'll believe you
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men. -- this line is unnecessary, it's implied already

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood. -- you could cut the first two lines of this stanza entirely and not lose a thing

Seven feet under I lie -- obviously I'd suggest that whatever you end up with as your opening line is reflected exactly here
Covered in fears and dirt.