Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under

[madibea]

A great effort, Madi and I do love the subject matter that you chose. The narrative lends it a nice tension and immediacy, while at the same time the POV introspection softens it a lot. Here are a few thoughts
(take note this is my own personal evaluation of the piece; use the bits of advice that genuinely help you and your vision, and take everything else with a grain of salt)

Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under
By Madi Bea

Seven feet under I lie comma here?
Covered in fears and dirt. Wonderful lines, imo

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark,
That we learned the hard way.
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies. How do you feel about abbreviating this? Maybe something like “One mistake is all it takes; // the shell fallen short of mark // still rings through or bodies.”

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die.
Some even get rid of “even” give in to their bullets.

My eyes venture across the empty battlefield,
Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane.

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams, A little bit cliche
Halting time for just awhile.
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion. I think you should get rid of this line. The stanza’s flow from poignant to tense works beautifully without it, imo
The men have just begun to fight,
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds,
Soon becoming the only thing I hear.

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield This repeats the fourth stanza opening, but is there a significance to the mirroring? What ideas in stanza four and six do you wish to connect/ contrast by recalling it?
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds.
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men.You do quite some repetition here too, with the words “cloud” and “blood” being repeated in immediately subsequent lines. Normally repeating words is distracting, but in this case it’s distracting in the right way, giving the effect of a narrator descending into stilted panic. You can edit this to make the narrator’s thoughts even more gripping and desperate, if you want

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters Maybe “exits” would give it more punch? my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood.

Seven feet under I lie
Covered in fears and dirt. Nice mirroring in this part

Since you’re new to the forums, I'm wondering if perhaps you'd like to post your stuff at the Mild Critique Section first-- the feedback there is moderate, and more broadstroke. The Serious Critique Section is usually the place where readers get to whip out their red pens and really tear into a piece, so if you're not prepared for really tough feedback from the get-go it might be an overwhelming experience. However you want to do it is cool with us, though, as long as it helps you with your writing

Hope to see more of your work, Madi!

Thanks so much for all of the help! I'm pretty good at taking some criticism and looking at my own work in a new way so I thought I'd try something tough first! Next time I'll try the mild critique and see how it goes. (:

Thanks again!

---

Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under
By Madi Bea

Seven feet under I lie
Covered in fears and dirt.

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark, would this line work best as the 3rd
That we learned the hard way. would this line work better as the 2nd
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies.

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die. this line and the line above feel cliche
Some even give in to their bullets. this is a good solid line

My eyes venture across the empty battlefield,
Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane. 2nd use of eyes, and baby blues are cliche, could another descriptor work?

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams,
Halting time for just awhile. is 'just' needed?
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion.
The men have just begun to fight, another 'just'
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds, would a comma help after 'chests'
Soon becoming the only thing I hear.

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds.
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men. would 'blanketed with dust and blood spattered clouds' work

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood.

Seven feet under I lie i'm not sure the reiteration of the opening lines work as of yet
Covered in fears and dirt.

hi again Madi.
first off i'd like to say it's sometimes better to start of in the mild critique or novice forum; places many of us post. at present the critique you'd get here could overwhelm.

i do like the poem, so i would have said yes on the poll, but it needs a fair bit of work.

at present the poem has a lot of cliche (common phrases) you need to keep the poems central theme of trench warfare but make it original. add something to shock and show. jack's leg on his chest, make it graphic or poignant.

if you think the feedback is a bit harsh in this section, it's because it's used to help workshop a poets work.
the mild critique section tries to point out just one or two things that could be of help. and the novice section offers feedback via a broad outline. what i will ask is that you don't get despondent, give us a chance if you think any of us can help, just send a pm someone and ask. if they're on line they'll probably try and help. i'm on most days and so are jack and mark. other members will make good mentors too (i'm sure) if you ask them .

thanks for the read

billy

Looking at it now I definitely agree, a lot of my words are a bit cliche and I wish I had been a bit more creative! It can be a bit harsh on this section but I'm not afraid of a bit of criticism! (: It was great getting to see this from another persons view so thanks for the advice!

Madi