03-09-2012, 05:39 PM
Billy,
Almost funny...the pacing seems a tad slow.
Telling what you do wrong while actually doing so to create humor is iffy at best I think, because it happens concurrently and the reader has not had time to assimilate what you are saying about your writing, before he is hit with the examples. Slows everything down.
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I think the opening should be:
"I leap into mixed metaphor
like lemmings into space."
"Words fly and splat,
flat against a pixelated net."
Maybe use the alternate spelling "pixellated"
the rhyme of wrote and scroat seem a tad forced, however dyslexic and hectic are good rhymes, (Maybe because "scroat" seems made up. I don't doubt that it could be used as slang for balls, I have just never heard it).
I don't think it helps to misspell similes.
Maybe:
"My similes are often misspelt--unkempt,
not dyslexic, but hectic-
ly wrote. No time to scratch
my itchy scroat, burning like..."
Don't really get this:
"like some on heat bitches hidden in my pen."
Do you mean "Like some bitches in heat hidden in my pen"?
Maybe:
"burning like bitches in heat, inside my pen."
-or-
"burning like a bitch in heat,
hidden inside my pen."
-----------------------------------------
That's my take,
Dale
Almost funny...the pacing seems a tad slow.
Telling what you do wrong while actually doing so to create humor is iffy at best I think, because it happens concurrently and the reader has not had time to assimilate what you are saying about your writing, before he is hit with the examples. Slows everything down.
-------------------------------
I think the opening should be:
"I leap into mixed metaphor
like lemmings into space."
"Words fly and splat,
flat against a pixelated net."
Maybe use the alternate spelling "pixellated"
the rhyme of wrote and scroat seem a tad forced, however dyslexic and hectic are good rhymes, (Maybe because "scroat" seems made up. I don't doubt that it could be used as slang for balls, I have just never heard it).
I don't think it helps to misspell similes.
Maybe:
"My similes are often misspelt--unkempt,
not dyslexic, but hectic-
ly wrote. No time to scratch
my itchy scroat, burning like..."
Don't really get this:
"like some on heat bitches hidden in my pen."
Do you mean "Like some bitches in heat hidden in my pen"?
Maybe:
"burning like bitches in heat, inside my pen."
-or-
"burning like a bitch in heat,
hidden inside my pen."
-----------------------------------------
That's my take,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.