03-09-2012, 05:04 PM
For me this is a problematic piece at best, and probably not a good subject for this writer as the necessary minimum depth of understanding about the topic is not in evidence. While it is admirable to want to stretch one's imagination, generally smaller jumps are better than large ones. For me there are areas, and will always be areas upon which I can make little or no legitimate comment, especially from an unknown or alien viewpoint. One of things a poet must learn is that even in the most (to us) mundane areas, there is always opportunity for legitimate comment, for our commonplace can be another persons exotica.
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A number of cliche phrases: such as
-One mistake is all it takes,
-we learned the hard way.
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"Clouds of blood" yes, "clouds splattered with blood" no. Better, "blood misting the air from high velocity explosion of metal into flesh, congealing into dirty red clouds..."
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Tense problems.
"One mistake is all it takes, (present)
A shell fallen short of mark, (past)
That we learned the hard way. (past)
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies." (present)
"One mistake is all it takes.
A shell falls short of it's mark,
and we learn the hard way.
A mistake that still rings through our bodies."
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"A shell fallen short of mark" ---not sure what this means. "it's mark"?
"Some even give in to their bullets."---or this.
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"Her smile and laughter fill my dreams" ---dream should be singular as you are speaking of just a single incident upon awakening.
"Her smile and laughter fills my dream"
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Awkward phrasing: example
"The men have just begun to fight,
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds,
Soon becoming the only thing I hear."
The viewpoint shifts focus three times within three lines. They (the men) We (Our heartbeats), I (I hear).
Generally you want to pick a viewpoint and stick with it.
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For me, besides the problems with the writing, there are two main problems with this piece.
This sort of thing has been covered to the point that the subject itself is almost a cliche, and there is nothing new or fresh that is being related. I think it is good to expand yourself and try to see things through someone else s eyes, but when you are so far removed from what you are describing and have never experienced anything similar, then the only thing you have to draw upon is someone else's account, and you lack the experience to put that in context. This means you tend to come away with what is most often repeated, but without any depth in understanding of what is behind the cliches.
I think you would be better served sticking with something a little closer to home. I don't think you need to limit yourself to just your own experience, but probably something that you have had similar experiences with. As you learn and grow, you will be able to stretch further away from your personal experience, because you will develop the ability to project empathy into what you describe, giving it the necessary realism to make it believable, and which is lacking here.
Dale
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A number of cliche phrases: such as
-One mistake is all it takes,
-we learned the hard way.
----------------------------------------------
"Clouds of blood" yes, "clouds splattered with blood" no. Better, "blood misting the air from high velocity explosion of metal into flesh, congealing into dirty red clouds..."
-----------------------------------------------
Tense problems.
"One mistake is all it takes, (present)
A shell fallen short of mark, (past)
That we learned the hard way. (past)
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies." (present)
"One mistake is all it takes.
A shell falls short of it's mark,
and we learn the hard way.
A mistake that still rings through our bodies."
---------------------------------------------
"A shell fallen short of mark" ---not sure what this means. "it's mark"?
"Some even give in to their bullets."---or this.
----------------------------------------------
"Her smile and laughter fill my dreams" ---dream should be singular as you are speaking of just a single incident upon awakening.
"Her smile and laughter fills my dream"
--------------------------------------------------
Awkward phrasing: example
"The men have just begun to fight,
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds,
Soon becoming the only thing I hear."
The viewpoint shifts focus three times within three lines. They (the men) We (Our heartbeats), I (I hear).
Generally you want to pick a viewpoint and stick with it.
------------------------------------------------------------
For me, besides the problems with the writing, there are two main problems with this piece.
This sort of thing has been covered to the point that the subject itself is almost a cliche, and there is nothing new or fresh that is being related. I think it is good to expand yourself and try to see things through someone else s eyes, but when you are so far removed from what you are describing and have never experienced anything similar, then the only thing you have to draw upon is someone else's account, and you lack the experience to put that in context. This means you tend to come away with what is most often repeated, but without any depth in understanding of what is behind the cliches.
I think you would be better served sticking with something a little closer to home. I don't think you need to limit yourself to just your own experience, but probably something that you have had similar experiences with. As you learn and grow, you will be able to stretch further away from your personal experience, because you will develop the ability to project empathy into what you describe, giving it the necessary realism to make it believable, and which is lacking here.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.