Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under

[billy]

Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under
By Madi Bea

Seven feet under I lie
Covered in fears and dirt.

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark, would this line work best as the 3rd
That we learned the hard way. would this line work better as the 2nd
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies.

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die. this line and the line above feel cliche
Some even give in to their bullets. this is a good solid line

My eyes venture across the empty battlefield,
Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane. 2nd use of eyes, and baby blues are cliche, could another descriptor work?

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams,
Halting time for just awhile. is 'just' needed?
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion.
The men have just begun to fight, another 'just'
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds, would a comma help after 'chests'
Soon becoming the only thing I hear.

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds.
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men. would 'blanketed with dust and blood spattered clouds' work

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood.

Seven feet under I lie i'm not sure the reiteration of the opening lines work as of yet
Covered in fears and dirt.

hi again Madi.
first off i'd like to say it's sometimes better to start of in the mild critique or novice forum; places many of us post. at present the critique you'd get here could overwhelm.

i do like the poem, so i would have said yes on the poll, but it needs a fair bit of work.

at present the poem has a lot of cliche (common phrases) you need to keep the poems central theme of trench warfare but make it original. add something to shock and show. jack's leg on his chest, make it graphic or poignant.

if you think the feedback is a bit harsh in this section, it's because it's used to help workshop a poets work.
the mild critique section tries to point out just one or two things that could be of help. and the novice section offers feedback via a broad outline. what i will ask is that you don't get despondent, give us a chance if you think any of us can help, just send a pm someone and ask. if they're on line they'll probably try and help. i'm on most days and so are jack and mark. other members will make good mentors too (i'm sure) if you ask them .

thanks for the read

billy