What the Storm Taught Us (Revision 4)

[billy]

Changes Rev 3
Revision 3

The sky—like the terror of children
left alone—pressed down.
Our hands knotted
with the ropes, abraded
into palsied claws callused as the words callused feels at odds with abraded above
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen caught
by this man of words,
who slept as the mast splintered, these 2 lines don't seem to back up the 2 above it
and sail split.

the enjambment feels off in places for me, [on my tongue][left alone—pressed down.]

Our throats raw from keening
prayers too inarticulate, too feral,
as he slept does the repetition of him sleeping add anything?

and woke to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation. here again a contradiction of above where you say he slept as your throats keened

He spoke, and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand quick thrusts.
The waves receded
like a whisper.
The moment coiled upon itself: a tense serpent
uncertain what to do next. no nits with this stanza.

He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness
to hide within the storm.

So still only the echo remained
and we could not bear it.

~~~

i get religious undertones mixed with Cap'n Ahab.
while the piece has a sinister quality i think it goes just that bit to far to be poetical. does that make any sense.

Our hands knotted
with the ropes, abraded
into palsied claws callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.

i understand the above, but the double simile feels forced. for me
that said i think it a strong piece of poetry. i see it will be left before another edit and i think you're right. any more at this point and you may lose the centre of what you're trying to get across.
for all my suggestions it's better than i could write. and i do like the piece.
i think one of the problems you'll have with feedback is that it can be read in many ways, and everyone is going to see how it can be changed for the better for them. (something which is a good thing i think) it's one of those poems that will always be perfect for some and never for others.

probably because of the dynamics you have going on, everything works yet each part feels contradictory to the part next to it.

thanks for a really interesting read and my apologies for missing it first time round, jmo