03-07-2012, 10:23 PM
(02-19-2012, 02:22 PM)Erthona Wrote: Dare you loving look on one, such as I? Would this line flow better if "loving" and "look" changed places?A wise and tender evocation of death. Thanks for the read, Erthona.
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky, I was about to suggest that you don't need "betwixt," but after looking it up I see that "betwixt and between" is a phrase. Thanks for teaching me something new!
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh? This question seems redundant. We know flesh rots and disappears. Would "soul" or "heart" or "mind" work better?
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed, I like the beautiful realism of this line.
We enter, live, and die, against our will.
Is there hope then for that final hour?
When I lay entombed in this wizened sack, "This" seems odd. Is the narrator holding up a sack?
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land? Great closer. Reminds me of Shakespeare's "undiscovered country."
©2012 -Erthona
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe