03-07-2012, 08:48 PM
(02-29-2012, 01:10 AM)Todd Wrote: Hi Jiminy (Popeye),Hi todd, similes. Similes DO compare "unlike" things......but this is achieved by relating the relevant characteristics to a commonality between the parts. So:
Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad the beginning and ending worked for you. Though you self-identify as a novice, it in no way limits the helpfulness of the feedback. In some ways, we're all novices. There's a nearly endless amount of information to learn and we're all putting it together as best as we can. Thanks again.
Best,
Todd
Hi Philatone,
I appreciate your comments and close read. I will absolutely consider them as I sit down to rewrite. Let me try to address some of the points you've raised:
left alone: It's probably a style bias of mine that pushes away from single word lines. I do agree with you that the break on left works very well also. I'll give it some thought to see if the change would enhance the poem. Thanks for pointing it out.
Fisherman part tense change: Those lines originally had another tense. So, I'll play around with it a bit and see if anything else sticks.
of words/the word: I see where you're going. It may be too early in the narrative for the speaker to fully make that connection, but it can be debated. The change does have a nice John 1 tie-in that could be exploited though, so I'll consider it.
immediacy slept lines: Good point. I think increasing the pace in some way might serve well. I'll work with it.
Train-of-thought: That needs to go. Unless it's a caravan, train is too modern. Now, I can't see it any other way. Thanks for the callout. It should be any easy fix.
Question marks: You are probably right let me look at it more.
Thanks for all your comments Geoff. They were most helpful.
Best,
Todd
Hi Tectak,
I very much appreciate the read and comments. Let me try to address some of them:
sky/terror of children: Hmm, I don't really see this as unmatched. It's also debatable whether something is effective I'll grant you that. But, I think we have the right with a simile to compare two unlike things. Now, If I look at the effectiveness question the lines originally read(written here with no concern for line breaks): The sky was dark like the terror of children left alone. I'm not sure if that was better the terror was than linking back to a type of darkness. As it's a primal fear, I sort of liked it. What I didn't like was the opening part of the phrase: The sky was dark. It just seemed pedestrian to me or overused. I thought if I used the exposition of storm in the title and than just linked the terror to the sky I could get a tighter image. It's posible something was sacrificed for that condensing though. Those were my thoughts on it. I'll consider the point you raise.
salt from my heart/accidental linkage: No, this was deliberate. I was trying to play back on the idea of callused. Maybe I should include an "as" before the salt to make the link more deliberate. It could be too choppy. Again, I'll add it to the list.
Sail snapped: Great call out in my desire for sonics I've been imprecise. It would be better to say the mast snapped or as you say the sail tears or some such. This will be altered definitely in the revision. Thanks for the catch.
Strophe break after sleep: It's there to give a beat of tension for the narrative. It is to show the passage from one narrative element to another.
Question marks/ recognize vs obey/comparing incomparables: You make some good points. Obey or some variation would probably be a much better word. I'll look into it. The question marks will probably not survive the next edit (thanks). I agree that this is comparing things that are incomparable. I chose that (again whether it's effective or not is debatable) because it seemed true to the narrative and the character given that the narrator is coming to grips with things beyond what they're able to handle.
The ending lacking sense: I get what you're saying. I really do. One of my projects, is a rewriting (some would say a heretical) rewriting of the biblical gospel stories as a series of connected poems (just to try it no real agenda in it). One of the fascinating things you see in these on the sea miracle stories is that they often don't have the expected reaction.
Though, I'm only using this one story I allude to two other stories in this poem (walking on the water obvious) and in the ending line I blend the terror they felt when they considered who was in the boat with them and the miracle of the great catch of fish. One interesting part to that one is that the speaker peter sees the fish filling the net and falls to his knees asking his lord to depart because he was a sinful man. There is an ongoing theme in stories like this or recognizing the sacred and holy and withdrawing from it as if burned. So, that's what I was going for at least.
Again, thanks for walking through the piece and commenting where you did. I will definitely make some changes based on your feedback. Much Appreciated.
Best,
Todd
The sky was like fire. (As it was red)
Her breath was perfume. (As it smelt wonderful)
Ice sparkled like diamonds (like diamonds sparkle)
All above compare unlike things. Now:
The sky was like terror. Huh? Which characteristic of "the sky" can be commoned to a characteristic of "terror"?
What does terror look like, what colour us it, what does the sky smell like or sound like? Ok. The sky was frightening, like the terror of children left alone (was frightening). Bingo!
Pedantic,I know.
Best,
Tectak