(03-07-2012, 06:54 AM)Erthona Wrote: Kinda messes up the 5-7-5 syllable pattern, don't it?the 575 is a western ideal that doesn't really work. read a few basho translations the counts range from 253 to 774. as long as it can spoken in a normal breath it works...unless you're long winded
one point i never mentioned is that it is supposed to be a snapshot of an image....commonly one from nature.
the line
Prepare me for birth isn't a part of the image it's a quote, request or some such other, it isn't factual
as such the piece verges on senryu.
it would have been more of an image if it had been
preparing me for birth
that said it's a solid attempt that doesn't require much of an edit.