03-07-2012, 10:44 AM
TT,
There are some very nice descriptions here, but in some instances it seems you are trying to pack five pounds of sausage into a 3 pound sleeve.
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"The bromide brown of home hearth peat hangs sepia clouds to reek the air."
Although I like the descriptions, "peat hangs sepia clouds to reek the air" seems a bit awkward.
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"along west pointing quays."
Generally when a sentence ends inside of a line, it tells me I have not lineated well, especially when it is not a case of enjambment.
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S3L2 I don't understand bringing the "to board." down to the second line.
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To me, the elongated lines of the poem do not fit well the image of the "Bodhran". And although there are some images here, the overall focus seems to wander, and the mark was missed.
Dale
There are some very nice descriptions here, but in some instances it seems you are trying to pack five pounds of sausage into a 3 pound sleeve.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"The bromide brown of home hearth peat hangs sepia clouds to reek the air."
Although I like the descriptions, "peat hangs sepia clouds to reek the air" seems a bit awkward.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"along west pointing quays."
Generally when a sentence ends inside of a line, it tells me I have not lineated well, especially when it is not a case of enjambment.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
S3L2 I don't understand bringing the "to board." down to the second line.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To me, the elongated lines of the poem do not fit well the image of the "Bodhran". And although there are some images here, the overall focus seems to wander, and the mark was missed.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.