So Kind

[billy]

I can’t say that she was being unkind, is 'that' and 'being' needed
when she separated out,
what was hers,
from… what was mine. why the ...
Justice is the best hoped for— is 'the' needed
there’s no room for mercy is 'there's' needed
—when what was loved,
is now abhorred. abhorred feels weak for me, it feels a bit forced
-------------------------------------
It is unfair, though no less true,
we pay for what we chose to do.
Consciously intended or not,
we pay for all the sins that we’ve forgot. is 'all the' needed

©2012 -Erthona

Note bene:

A homily or apothegm of sorts. Not of the epiphanous, but of the, “ah ha, I knew that”, type. Not exactly a poem for serious critique in terms of the thought, but it does present some editing difficulties. As I have beat up on it quite a bit, I thought I’d let you have a go at it.

Dale

i think the ditty at the end added to the piece in that it gave a bit of lightness, (only because of the rhyme, but it did lighten the piece up)
in general i think it needs a light edit to remove any chaff. i think it's one of those bare bones poems
thanks for read