What the Storm Taught Us (Revision 4)

[Todd]

Hi Geoff,

Of course I don't mind you continuing to come back. Quite a few of my poems go through forty or more revisions so feedback like yours is very helpful. I'd like to explain why I made certain choices (not to defend them but to explain what I'm trying to do):

sail split/complete sentence: Yeah, I have two fragments one here and one in another place I'll see if there's a way to smooth this out some.

repetition of slept: I tried changing this up some, the problem I'm having is it isn't sounding right to my ear when I pull out either instance (I'm a play piano by ear sort of writer). Which suggests, to me that if I do make a change it will be bigger than a simple cut. I had the repetion in there to suggest that their incredulous. I'll see if anything better comes to me.

next: If I make the change it would have to be something more. I'm trying to avoid writing too much here, but I'll see what I can do. I was going for something unnatural like maybe he caused time itself to halt for a moment. He'd upset the natural order to such an extent that it was looking for permission to proceed again---hmm maybe something like that.

ending: I get what you're saying about echo. I will probably mess with the punctuation as you suggest. This will just take some more thought to decide if I see something I like better.

Thanks again.

Best,

Todd

---

Hi tectak,



PUNCTUATE after "still" or I shall take cyanide!

Comic Gold!

A lot to think about. Let me get back to you on your comments. I may need to walk away from this for a few weeks before continuing though to get the proper perspective.

Oh, and revision is about going mad overnight...so you're probably right.

Thanks again,

Todd

Changes Rev 3

Title change
Massive changes (too many to mention): Philatone, tectak, and an offsite friend gave extensive feedback.

[b]Revision 3

The sky—like the terror of children
left alone—pressed down.the fundamental error is still here, todd. I can see it,why can't you. Thd idea is too good to spoil or to usurp. The terror of children left alone cannot press down. Over to you
Our hands knotted
with the ropes, abraded
into palsied claws callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart. again,same point. What is callused salt?
Fishermen caught
by this man of words,
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.not a sentence! Fishermen WERE caught....


Our throats raw from keening
prayers too inarticulate, too feral,
as he slept"our throats made raw" or "our throats were raw"

and woke to the spray"then woke" not "and". It is not easy to sleep AND wake at the same time.
of our accusations, groggyafter groggy you cannot fail to pause. How long do you want? A comma is a 1 count, a semi-colon 2, a colon 3 and a full stop 4. The length of the "count" is dermined by the tempo of the piece. Sorry about the egg sucking but I don't know where I am with you as you give no consistent clues of your understanding. Forgive me.
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke, and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand quick thrusts.Is a cliché a cliché if one has to ask if it is a cliché?
The waves receded
like a whisper.
The moment coiled upon itself: a tense serpent
uncertain what to do next.

He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness
to hide within the storm.
Still don't get this so it must be me
So still only the echo remainedPUNCTUATE after "still" or I shall take cyanide!
and we could not bear it.Unrelated "it". What couldn't you bare? The "still", the "echo" or both? Very poor ending, todd. You are MUCH better than this.
The ending appears to be a frustration. We could not bear "it", so what happened next?
~~~
I think you went mad overnight! This is truly worth the effor of workshopping and that is what this site is for. The nearer you get to the speed of light the harder it gets to reach it.
Best,
Tectak "buzz" lightyear

Changes Rev.2

Addressed the fishermen line: Mark, Philatone
Dealt with one of the word repetitions: Philatone
Dealt with the smooth path line: Philatone
Dropped "the" before waves: Philatone

Revision 2

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.

We fishermen, caught
by this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke
and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand knife thrusts--
waves receding
like a whisper. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

~~~

Changes:

There were some broader ideas that I need to continue thinking about. There were though some areas that I could address immediately.

L3: Decided to cut “were”

L7: Opened the line with “as” (inspired by tectak)

S2: Decided to sacrifice the carpenter reference to help pacing and adopt some suggested sonic shifts. Also went with less lines to increase the pacing by eliminating some line break pauses (Philatone) Made some changes to the sail part (tectak)

Removed train-of thought (Philatone)

Removed the question marks and tried to smooth out the phrasing (consensus)



Revised

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch

of this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

~~~

Original

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands were knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch

of this man of words
who brought us here.
This man at home with wood,
who slept while it buckled,
as the mast splintered,
the sail snapped,
as our pleas turned
to wails, he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation,
losing his train-of-thought.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
To command the wind
What is a leper? Or a blind man?
Or the raising of the dead? Compared
to a sea that recognizes a voice.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.