What the Storm Taught Us (Revision 4)

[Philatone]

I hope you don't mind my constant peeks at this; i'm really interested in its development. some quick notes

Changes Rev 3

Title change
Massive changes (too many to mention): Philatone, tectak, and an offsite friend gave extensive feedback.

Revision 3

The sky—like the terror of children
left alone—pressed down. ...really enjoyed this entrance
Our hands knotted
with the ropes, abraded...think the addition of "abraded" strengthens these lines and the image of the hands
into palsied claws callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen caught
by this man of words,
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split. ...I wanted this to be a complete sentence, rather than a fragment (personal taste).

Our throats raw from keening
prayers too inarticulate, too feral,
as he slept...a new word for "slept" would have been nice, unless you are truly emphasizing the repetition; I'm actually not even sure if you need it. You could instead go right to the "woke; something like:

prayers too inarticulate, too feral
as he woke to the spray...

but it's only a suggestion

and woke to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke, and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand quick thrusts. ...I'll take "quick" over "knife" any day here; less violent, but still maintains that image I think
The waves receded
like a whisper.
The moment coiled upon itself: a tense serpent
uncertain what to do next. ...I think this line could be strengthened. Maybe dropping the "next," though perhaps something more...

He that spoke light
had returned light to us,....brilliant (no pun intended)
and we longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness
to hide within the storm.

So still only the echo remained
and we could not bear it.

...I think the poem could end with "storm" to be honest, but I'm sensing you may not want to lose this "so still" image. To keep it, maybe removing the period after "storm", inserting a comma there instead, and switching the "the" before "storm" to "a":

into the darkness
to hide within a storm

so still, only the echo remained

I think ending on "remained" could be strong as well. gives the poem a meta touch, what with that being the last sound heard literally. If so, I would probably combine it with the stanza above it

I hope this helps; leaving the piece as is would certainly not be a mistake, but I think it's close to its full potential