hotel

[tectak]

V. 3 thanks to Todd and billy
S. 1: old stanza 3; the bull and bank have been removed
S. 4: added "away" before "before"
S. 5: completely new
penultimate stanza: removed "and"

hotel

If the photograph is right,is true. The photograph is always "right" as it cannot be "wrong". It is a photograph.
the walls were black, the windfow shrunken,
and everything grey as 1935. but a good opener and a good close to the stanza.

Our single was still a records officepunctuate pleeeeeease! What does lack of punctuation add to the piece? To any piece? I am becoming a pedant and that is not good. I may give up on this cause if anyone cares. Just a comma after
"office" would make an old man very happy
back when our door was closed
and what the hell does this space signify? Is it trendy? Am I supposed to speak the way it reads?OK. Back when our door was closed........mmmmm .......zzzzzuzzzzuzzz........dooby dooby do ......by a clerk. Huh?
by a clerk thinking of sleep, unablesemi colon after sleep.Is this piece written on a till-roll? Why are the lines so short that you feel the need to change lines after"unable"?
to see room for a bed
beside his desk, or
expect a Bible in a drawer. especially when you have such great word-sense and ideas? This pseudo-caesura inducing verse form ruins the atmospheric intensity of the story by a series of near glottal stops. Not cool, not smooth. Long lines equate, almost always, to that languidity which suits recall. Memory runs on tracks, one image leading into the next.If you are sitting in a quiet place recalling old memories and you are distracted, you lose your "train of thought". Getting it back involves mental playback, one thought brings up the next. You can be aware of the process. It is this thought linkage that is destroyed by uncontrolled line chopping. Sorry. Pet hate of mine.
When we shower, I wonder
if he ever wanted to wash to wash away the smell of ....not "ink and numbers away"
the smell of ink and numbers
away before returning to a wife,

if he would sit in our chair,lovely contribution to the imagery. Smells are emotive. Cut out the line spaces, capitalise "if". Not clear where our chair came from or where its going to. River ditto. Hurried endings leave plots pending.
eyeing the river bend
instead of straddling a desk;

the same chair I find myself
wanting to replace.


I only whacked away at this one because I liked it and wanted it to do well. Corporal punishment,then.
Best,
Tectak


Original
hotel

Our single was still a records office
in a bank when a bull stormed the lobby.

During the rodeo, three men paraded
him to a trailer, as upstairs

our door was closed
by a clerk thinking of sleep, unable

to see room for a bed
beside his desk, or
expect a Bible in a drawer.

If the photograph is right,
the walls were black, the window shrunken,
and everything grey as 1935.

When we shower, I wonder
if our clerk ever wanted to wash
the smell of ink and numbers
before returning to a wife,

and if he would sit in our chair,
eyeing the river bend
instead of straddling a desk, but mostly

I wonder what it was like to be paid
for a room with a view.