03-04-2012, 02:49 PM
Craig, I've neglected critique in recent times because I've been ridiculously busy and not in the right head space to contemplate it, but I feel compelled to jump in here because I see a small disaster that was not intended to happen...
First things first: you must not abandon all efforts here. There are some excellent concepts, and all the criticism has been aimed (so far as I can see) at helping you bring those concepts out without the slight confusion of the extra adjectives and prepositions all over the place. It may help to think of your poem as a sculpture with a few wayward lumps of clay that need to be knocked off. Tectak very rightly points out that no critic here claims to be coming from a holier-than-thou perspective, they are merely offering their views and sharing their often-quite-considerable knowledge with you, and all of the rest of us who are watching the thread progress. All is offered freely, with no expectation that you will take up all the suggestions, but with a fervent hope that by putting a poem in serious critique you intend to seriously consider its direction.
For myself, I am fascinated with the ideas I can see at the core of this poem but as everyone else has pointed out, there are things to be trimmed away to bring those ideas to the fore and almost every suggestion has been a good one. Some are conflicting, but it's up to you as the writer to choose between those... taking suggestions does not in any way diminish you as the poet. Rather, it is you benefiting from the experience of others that might take you decades to glean on your own.
First things first: you must not abandon all efforts here. There are some excellent concepts, and all the criticism has been aimed (so far as I can see) at helping you bring those concepts out without the slight confusion of the extra adjectives and prepositions all over the place. It may help to think of your poem as a sculpture with a few wayward lumps of clay that need to be knocked off. Tectak very rightly points out that no critic here claims to be coming from a holier-than-thou perspective, they are merely offering their views and sharing their often-quite-considerable knowledge with you, and all of the rest of us who are watching the thread progress. All is offered freely, with no expectation that you will take up all the suggestions, but with a fervent hope that by putting a poem in serious critique you intend to seriously consider its direction.
For myself, I am fascinated with the ideas I can see at the core of this poem but as everyone else has pointed out, there are things to be trimmed away to bring those ideas to the fore and almost every suggestion has been a good one. Some are conflicting, but it's up to you as the writer to choose between those... taking suggestions does not in any way diminish you as the poet. Rather, it is you benefiting from the experience of others that might take you decades to glean on your own.
It could be worse